blog

hangnail

i hate it when i feel a creeping dread all day. thats the best i can describe it, even though the better term is probably anxiety. i never realized how anxious i was (or am) until i started keeping this blog. every single time i sit down and examine how i feel or have felt, its some sort of anxiety. but ive kept journals before? maybe its because when i write in a journal, im usually in bed and about to go to sleep. but on here i have to be up, either on my desktop or laptop. doesnt mean im doing all much better in my diaries, those journal entries are more sad than anxious. i opened up my le petit prince journal to see what i was up to like two or three months ago and my last entry was about my abandonment issues.

i used my moms uv gel light earlier and serverely dried out my nails. at least i think, cuz im getting so much hangnail recently. its getting slightly better but i can still feel it, so im using a lot of cuticle oil and hand cream at night. i think thats whats setting me off recently, hangnail is my biggest pet peeve. guess its just normal nail polish from here on out.

last night, in my dream i was dating this beautiful girl. she kept changing in appearance but always had long, lightly wavy black hair. but she was always way out of my league, a very conventionally pretty girl. and she was always different than me in some way, i mainly remember her race changing, sometimes she was south indian, sometimes she was korean, sometimes she was black american. but other things changed too, like her height and clothes and voice, at some point we started speaking japanese to eachother and i was trying to remember what i could from my japanese I class. i was mainly replying "わかった", "わかりません", "そうだよ." we were on some sort of cruise or vacation area? it was probably a disney cruise or disney hotel etc. thats probably due to me just watching the new lindsey ellis video. she was dancing and i was on the sand, with my knees under my chin, watching her. there was a part of me that wanted to dance with her but i couldnt, so i sat and admired her. i remember almost performatively trying to look like i liked looking at her, even though i did. i do this in real life, very often i have to ask myself, do i look like im feeling what im feeling right now? i guess i was just feeling self concious in my dream. then we went back to our hotel suite thing, which was like a maze. i think i made a reference to some music video and started to pull it up on a vauge computer tv thing when she left the room. i felt like i had done something wrong or acted weird when i saw her writing something that had said "i just want to be left alone," so i made a small show about closing the class door between us, as a way to say that i was sorry and wanted her to be okay. then she laughed and showed me the full paper which was about us being left alone to have sex. i remember it being very explicit but i refuse to try to remember what terms were used. i quickly locked doors and i guess made other preparations but we didn't end up doing anything. i just made her a bath, gave her a warm towel and caressed her arm while thinking about the c tactile afferent nerve.

here is jaws

visited universal this weekend ^__^ i went w my dad, stepmom, sister and stepsister. my dads company had a event retreat thing whatever its called. when they take us to knotts berry farm or six flags we'd be in the pavilion for like hours but this time the area was near the jurassic park ride, so we just showed up, took drinks, and left. i felt a little bad for going at first, since that was also the day of my mom's dad's side family reunion. i see my grandma's side a lot but grandpa's side is more scarce, even though i visit my great grandma mary every sunday for lunch. i thought that my mom or grandparents would be upset that i wouldnt go but no one really cared lol. if anything my mom was excited that i was going to see my dad. makes sense since i havent seen him since leslies birthday? maybe after but i dont really remember. i usually hate going to theme parks or the like with my father since he hates buying things but i have my own money now! i can do whatever tf i want! maybe i shouldnt though. i spent $300. most of that was on things for my tio, including matching shirts between me, him, and my sister. i was a little sad we werent doing horror nights but because of horror nights, the park was basically empty.. on a saturday. longest line was like and hour? and it was just the fast and furious ride. everything else was 5-30 min. i love doing the studio tour. for one its a great hour long break on ur feet but also i just love pop culture history and their silly tour specific attractions. especially the flood demonstration, the jaws area (jaws the shark a-lurkin in the dark of the depths of the sea one day on a lark), and the Bates hotel area. whenever they dont have a Normon Bates actor i feel disappointed. also the little europe area since thats the location most of the classic universal monster movies were filmed but it was being used :(:(:(. i was able to buy some dracula and bride of frankenstien pins for me and vero respectively. usually i buy us matching frankensteins monster and bride things but i just didnt feel like it. and a sinners button up. i love spending money.

that was saturday, we got home at about 6pm and i was tired but couldnt sleep. ended up sleeping at around 1am i think. my sleep schedule is a constant battle. i kinda want to remake this website. im already over the layout lmfao. changing layouts was soooo much easier on tumblr. maybe i should design my own instead of using templates.

tamagachi

i bought a strawberry tamagotchi. turned it on and then reset it 15 minutes later because the responsibility was already weighing on me.

comfortability

i need another pair of glasses. i like my current ones, nice big square lenses with a cute flower decal on the side. but i usually reach for my thin circle lenses (my mom calls them my harry potter glasses but i got them because of suzuka from atarashii gakko) but i scratched them like a month after getting them. im browsing my normal online glasses dealer since theres a big sale right now and i might as well get another pair. i want to try a new style but its difficult. honestly the square glasses were a big jump for me. ive worn the circles since i was like 15. they have a lot of cute gaudy glasses that id like to try but i dont know if id wear them that often. its a thin rope to walk, between expression and fading to the background. it seems that being myself takes a lot of energy out of me. i love dying my hair bright colors, but sometimes i wanted to just walk somewhere without feeling like everybodys watching me. when i have dark hair, i feel like i can chamillion myself into the background and not worry as much. i do really miss my bright hair, especially the bright red hair. but ive found a nice common ground in the perm.

the other day during a conversation i let a lie slip out. it was an inconsequential lie and i was able to play it off as a joke but im still upset with myself. i dont know why they just come out for no reason. im almost obsessed with the truth, id rather be hurt and know whats real than be left in the dark "for my own sake." so why do i lie?? am i trying to impress people? guilt them?? these days i clear it up by awkwardly saying "idk why i said that" but thats something that only friends can understand. im terrified for the day i get backed into a corner.

snail mail

happy kirkaversary and saw day. yesterday i recieved two letters, i was hoping they were responses from my pen pals but they were just the photocards that i bought. obviously i had been looking forward to recieving those but i anticipate sending letters! i dont know why or when i became obsessed with this. i think i was just joking around with vero about deleting social media and using carrier pigeons (which i so desperately wish they worked like how i imagined they worked) and then started looking into letters and the postal system and wax stamps and normal stamps and etc etc. at some point i became obsessed with the history of letters and letter writing techniques if thats a term. one i think about almost every day is "cross-writing," which is when you write across and then write horizontally on the same page. it was mostly done to save money on paper. apparently jane austen was such a master at cross-writing that she would write a third line diagonally in letters to her sisters. i actually used cross-writing today! im making notes for a precalc ii exam and we were only allowed one 3x5in card.

at first i sent letters to vero and vijay but those eventually faltered out :( but i signed up for depthsofwikipedia's penpall program and after like 5 days i finally got them! i sent those letters maybe two weeks ago? i dont remember actually. passage of time is confusing. but hopefully their responses are on route by now! i got assigned two pen palls, both girls from new york (one is from rhode island and the other is from queens). actually, the queens girl sent me a post card first! it was a pretty print of a alphonse mucha illustration. i have a brown box filled with letters that ive recieved throughout the years (mostly ones that werent sent thru the post and given with like birthday gifts and the like).

talk about

hello from my schools library. i have twenty minutes until my class starts. ive been scrolling through websites tagged with "blogging." im trying to make a concious effort to listen to music again. these days i listen to podcasts and youtube video essays and the like. im not cutt off from music, but it used to be my main thing! i feel like i dont think when im listening to people talking. the other day i made a list of my most listened to albums on last.fm. predictibally, theres a lot of MCR and twice and dreamcatcher. but when you listen its hard to think of much to say other than sounds good. "talking about music is like dancing about architecture." i know christgau had an issue w that idiom, but its better than the earlier version "talking about music is like singing about economics." its very easy to imagine someone singing about economics. i was looking for old NYLPM blog posts and came across this pitchfork article. its very cute seeing the author describe the increase in numbers and professionalism of music blogs. its just a different climate compared to now.

i also started writing a list about my favorite and least favorite idioms lol. i have many weird lists on my phone. im excited to transfer them online.

im only happy when it rains

i just finished making dinner. my mom sent me a recipe to make a week ago, which i did, but i undercooked the noodles a bit. so i wanted to make it again for redemption but it was just ok this time too. it was kinda hard upscaling it for more people, ended up with too many noodles and too little sauce. but it still tasted good. i had a stress dream last night that i was fucking up making it, like everything went wrong. at some point in the dream i forgot i was frying chicken? like i went back into my room and just forgot that there was chicken in the pan. it didnt burn down tho, it looked like if you just dropped chicken in cooking oil. and then more people arrived and i was trying to manage making the food with inviting people in and gathering gifts from them? whatever, its over now. it's obvious that one was because i was anticipating making dinner. usually i write down dreams so i can discuss them with my therapist. she has this book about symbolism in dreams that we like to go through and discuss. i had a dream about an excentric teacher who made us all get naked, she looked up terms like "school," "classes," etc. they all had meanings about new beginnings and mentors and blah blah. i considered it but i probably only had those dreams because the semester just started.

but its still interesting. we started these talks because i was thinking about a common motif i see in my dreams. every so often i have a dream where im surrounded in high waters. in one dream we were at a beach town, staying at a hotel or air bnb with floor to ceiling windows, when a tsunami hit and i watched the water rise up through the windows. in another i was at universal city walk (not exactly, it looked more like six flags, but dream logic) and then it suddenly started pouring extremely hard and i was considering walking home or getting a cab. those are just some recent ones though. in these dreams im never stressed about it. storms, tidal waves, floods, tsunamis, any form of natural disaster. usually i just watch. sometimes its in awe, in the airbnb one, we had plans which we had to cancel, but i didnt mind since i thought looking at the water was beautiful. when looking it up, watery natural disasters usually meant stresses, or feeling overwhelmed about things you cannot control. i dont think these are absent from my life, but do they mean the same where you like it in the dream? watching the water flood in around me, it gives me a similar feeling in my chest as a roller coaster. when youre falling and you feel like youre out of your seat, so you close your eyes and feel your hair whip around you. i mostly did that so that i wouldnt be scared on roller coasters. i dont know. maybe i should see a psychologist along with my therapist. i just wish i understood more about me.

whats the title

shhh, im currently writing this at 11:40 pm, right before i log off and go to bed. i teared up a lot today. one was while watching a deltarune analysis, one was while listening to happy mecha wacha life by fruit zipper, the other was while thinking about how in elementary school id yawn in order to pretend that i wasnt tearing up. i was talking about my general anxieties with my mom yesterday and that even though i can reason my way out of them i cant accept them. like, i know that people arent judging me 24/7. the other day i put my hand electric fan away in case it made me look suspicious, in case it looked like a camera or a gun. i literally got the white version of the fan so that people wouldnt think that (or so i wouldnt think that people think that.) i know logically that people dont care and arent judging, but i still get nervous. i tell anecdotes that i used to be sooo scared of giving speeches until i realized that everyones too nervous about their own to care about one stutter or pause, but i still shake while giving speeches these days. and im already on medication! time for tranquilizers i guess. idk, its not life ruining, like i dont vomit and cry and scream whenever going out in public or giving a presentation. the biggest pitfall is how exhausted it makes me and the plateu of energy when i get home. i have to fight off taking a nap everytime. ugh but i love naps. im going to take a 8hr one right now.

day two

another day on the webz. i def prefer looking thru random sites to doomscrolling online. ive been finding a lot of nostalgic flash games i used to play. im nostalgic for a lot of old technology that was technically before my time, usually due to older family members/being poor. one of my most prized possessions is a toy story vhs that belongs to my great grandma. ive been debating on putting a crt overlay on this website.

ive been thinking over more pages to put in this site. honestly the main motivator for making a neocities was to make my own shrine page and i havent gotten to it! im mainly writing music opinions and reflections since pop culture and music analysis always occupies my brain. im rewatching my favorite todd in the shadows videos in preparation. i always think hard abt shit i want to write, but get too embarassed to even write it in my notes app. weirdly this is more and less personal way to get my thoughts out. it feels more like theres a point? like how can you hate on me when you went to my site.

hello world

i've finally figured out how to make a neocities! i made a lot of progress learning earlier today, during the 4 hour break between my two thursday classes. but i wasn't able to set it up due to only having my macbook. i suppose i could have used a school computer but it was full and i've been downloading a lot of gifs for this site. but i have my desktop for a reason! actually, the reason was primarily video games. tbh i havent been on this computer for at least a few weeks, maybe even since early summer. i just used the desk as storage. my rooms a mess atm. i only slightly put the things away, theres still a lot more to go. hopefully i have the energy to clean up tomorrow.

it's not like im not playing games when im not on the desktop. its just mainly on my switch or my phone. theres this mobile app, like a dress up game, that i have to have a time limit on because its so easy to spend money on it. i used to look down on people who were obsessed w gacha games. tho its not technically a gacha game, because i just buy gems and then choose which clothes i buy with those gems. its closer to fortnite or any game with an item shop. i relapsed today and spent $20. i should probably delete it, since i saw an ad for the game that uses ai. i need to at least pretend to be principeled. i talk a lot of game about romanticized suffering but i just leave when shit gets bad. thats a good thing to normal people. im just already suffering enough, whats the point of increasing it. anyways look at this cool frog png i found